your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
