I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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