I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
