Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
