I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
