come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
