i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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