I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize