I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize