Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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