I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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