How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
