I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
