Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
