Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
