In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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