the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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