i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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