the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
