she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
