So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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