Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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