The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
