why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
