mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Acid is not a monday night drug
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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