my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
