he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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