She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
