I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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