i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
