my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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