The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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