I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
