I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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