Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
