I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
