it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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