she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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