I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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