my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also, beer. Big fan.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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