cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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