Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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