Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
