she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
