Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
