you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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