I can text with my tongue
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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