Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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