I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
