you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
