I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
