My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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