got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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