We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Randomize
