You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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