can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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