Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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