I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
