So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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