Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
