Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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