i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
