does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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