Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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