gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
worst night to have a conscience
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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